"Good evening, ladies and gentleman!" the television announcer brightly said. "Welcome back to the weekly cloud lottery event. We're about to unveil the lucky winner shortly. Good luck to everyone, and may The Cloud shine its golden rays on you."

​

week I / friday / may 25, 2007

​

              "Finally, I'm on my street," I said, driving to my house after a long day of manual labor. "Hopefully, one of these tickets will relieve me from that mess of a job."

          I glanced around the neighborhood, seeing everyone's houses mostly consisting of similar structures. Their houses are so nice. Fresh coat of paint. Neatly carved and polished wood and stone. Grass shined brighter than the emerald city and laid even and fuzzy like fur. Pavements fresh like a newly done hairstyle. Some of their houses have renditions. Some have additions. Some have multiple stories.

                   How come I don't have these things? Don't get me wrong, my life isn't the worst thing imaginable, but it should most certainly be better than what it is now. Sometimes, I can't help but have my mood turn cold whenever I see what others have going on.

      After a couple of minutes, I pulled up in my driveway to my "lovely" house. "Please, let the golden rays of The Cloud shine the brightest on me," I said to myself, clinching and kissing the five lottery tickets I purchased an hour ago.

            I opened the door and saw my seven year old son, Reign, sitting on the couch watching Tom and Jerry.

   "Hand me the remote, Reign," I said. "They're about to unveil the newest lottery winner."

                    He handed it over and I changed it to the local channel to see the results.

       "Okay folks, we're finally ready to unveil this week's winner to be blessed from The Cloud," the announcer expressed.

  "Hey, honey," my loving and devoted wife, Rose, said to me, kissing me on my right cheek.

                      "Hey, sweetie," I responded. "I didn't see you come around."

            "I've been standing here in the kitchen this whole time. You just came in the door and made an instant b-line to the tv to watch that dumb event like you've been doing for the past several months."

      "I'm sorry, babe. No bad intentions. Charge it to my head, not my heart."

                  "All right, folks," the tv announcer said smiley, "hope you have your lottery tickets in order cause the numbers are......06......30......44......17......21......and the golden number is......09! Our week's winner is......Mike Blakely! Congratulations Mike! You know what to do. Get ready to be picked up and be blessed by The Cloud!"

            "Damn," I said under my breath. I somewhat slammed the tickets on the living room table and headed outside to the front lawn to smoke a couple of cigarettes.

flick...

             flick...

                         flick...

                                     flame.

           The inhalation of a cigarette can really take the edge off my brain sometimes. Especially when I have an "off" day.

I looked to my left and saw my neighbor, David Krinklesturg, putting the finishing touches on his brand new polished white stoned round water fountain in his front lawn. So nice. So shiny. So...much better than probably everything I own.

       "Hey, Raven!" He said to me, sounding chippier than a school girl. "How's the family?"

                           "They're fine," I responded, probably sounding like a grumpy grinch. "How's yours?"

                  "They're doing swell. Hey, I finally got that water fountain fully installed. Whaddya think?"

                      "It looks nice, David. Birds are gonna have a field day in it."

            "I hope they do. It cost me quite a bit to get this completed."

                                    "Yeah, just like it cost you to add that sunroom to the back of your house nine months ago."

      "Ha ha, yeah, that too, and that was a big money spender, but hey, the things we want in life are worth the trouble. Ain't that right?"

                "......sure."

           "Well, alright. Imma get back to my people and spend some more time with them. It's family game night. Have a good night, Raven."

                 "You too."

         Krinklesturg...

                              Look at him. Throwing his fortunes in my face. Smug bastard.

                Fed up with looking at his glory, I walked back inside and bumped into Rose in the kitchen.

                      "You okay, Raven?" she asked.

     "Yeah, I'm fine," I responded. "Why do you ask?"

                 "Cause of this...whole...thing you got going on with the lottery and The Cloud. I just don't see the point in trying to win anymore. You've been trying to win for the past several months and not even close."

                           "Yeah, because all of these 'outsiders' are moving into our state, making my chances smaller and smaller."

             "Okay, but it's not like we're 'from here' either. You do remember convincing us to move across the country?"

                      "Yeah, but...whatever it doesn't matter. These transplants need to stop trying to mooch off of our good fortune."

     "Our?..."

                  "What? It's not our fault California was blessed with this black and golden gift of nature. Ever since that cloud emerged from above late last year, for once, things life feels like it can turn around."

          "Raven, our life is fine."

                          "Not to me. I don't like living like this. Paycheck to paycheck. Not being able to buy things for you and Reign. Hell, we can barely pay for the things we need. Some things we got to put on hold. Aren't we behind on a couple of bills?"

              "Yes, but listen. Our situation may not be the prettiest, but we're fine. We have each other and a spunky kid that loves us deeply. We just have to take it day by day. And like I've said before, if you need me to get a full time job, I will get one--"

       "No, Rose. You're doing more than enough. I feel bad that you got a part time job at the shopping center."

                     "Raven, I've told you many times that it's okay. I don't mind working. It's for the betterment of our family and it saddens me that you think that you have to carry the financial burden. We're a team, and we're going to make it through this world together as a team."

            "...Maybe you're right. I don't know."

                    "I know I'm right. I don't want you to rely on that cloud. I never get good energy whenever I look up at it. Something about it feels...off."

     "I don't get that when I see it."

                "Of course you don't. You see the golden lining of it more than the black inside. Come on, let's go to bed."

         "Bed? It's not that late."

               "I know, but I got to get Reign to bed, and our show is about to come on, and it's a double header tonight. We gotta get cozy."

"It's more so your show, but okay."

                     "It's 'my' show, but you don't ever leave the room when it comes on."

               "It's...tolerable."

        "Mhmm, sure...you know, this is the episode where Brad and Krysta decide their future with each other."

                               "........I'm only coming to see how it ends."

                      "Mhmm. Go get the popcorn ready while I set everything up in the bedroom."

               After a night of laughs, outrage, and confusion, Rose and I got deeper in the bed, trying to consume as much sleep as we could.

​

saturday / may 26

​

       "Let's go, baby!"

    "Run, boy. Run!"

           "Go get 'em!"

Dozens and dozens of passionate parents and supporters screamed and shouted as the kids participated in the local city's flag football game. Reign plays on The Screaming Gophers, which is going against the Killer Bass. He's a wild receiver. The Bass are leading the Gophers, 20-13. 5 seconds left before halftime.

                       The Gophers' center snapped the ball. Reign, with all the determination and sweat running through his body, sprinted to the touchdown area. The QB took the ball and threw it in Reign's area. The ball bounced out of his hands and it ended up in one of the Bass players' hands, causing an interception. One of the refs blew the whistle for halftime.

            "I thought I taught him better at catching the ball," I complained.

                             "It's okay, Raven," Rose said. "It's only halftime. There's still time left."

                "I know. I would just hate for Reign to feel discouraged and give up early. You know how he gets."

       "Hey Raven and Rose," Stacey and John, our local neighbors, said behind us.

     "Hey, Stacey and John," Rose responded. "Has your kids' game ended?"

                      "Yeah," Stacey said. "Just wrapped up. They won by a touchdown at the last second. How are you guys doing?"

             "Halftime. 20-13. Losing by 6."

        "Oh okay," John spoke.

                          Stacey looked around the ballpark, then stopped dead in her tracks.

                  "Well, look-a-here look-a-here," she said. "Look at our buddy in a pair of shades, Mike Blakely, and he looks to be talking to some older man. I'm kind of shocked he showed up."

                       "Well, why wouldn't he?" I asked. "His kid plays too."

             "Well, his wife was saying about a couple hours ago he went missing after he won the lottery."

                                "Well, that's kind of normal," Rose stated. "Everyone who wins goes into the forests, floats up to the cloud, and doesn't come back til typically the next day."

                Curiosity massaged my brain enough to get up and stand next to Mike.

                     "What's going on, man?"

       "Hey," he responded in a short, monotone voice.

            "Saw that you won the lottery last night."

   "Yeah."

"Well...how do you feel?"

                    "What do you mean?"

       "Do you feel any different now that you're basically set for life?"

             "I feel...uhh...umm..."

   A single stream of blood runs down Mike's face from under his shades.

          "Hey, man. Are you okay?"

                  "Hey, why don't you go lie down in my car," the other mysterious guy butted in. "I know it's awkward right now, but things'll get better in a little while."

      Mike stepped out of the ball park to go to the man's car, stumbling around like a drunk man getting over his hangover.

           "Are you sure he's going to be fine?" I asked the guy.

   "Oh yeah," he responded. "Leaving The Cloud can be kind of uncomfortable and I know what he's feeling, so I wanted to help him out. I was one of the first few ones that won the lottery."

                       "Oh, really?"

             "Yeah, man. And I won it on my first lottery entry."

                   "Interesting...uh, how did you feel when you won?"

      "...like...a new man. Like a freshly shredded snake. Like a seed, blossoming into a powerful flower. Like a majestic butterfly being birthed from a cocoon."

                          "Oh...okay. Tell me something. How did you do it?"

   "Do what?"

"How did you get the magic ticket to win?"

                "Nothing."

        "Really? You sure?

              "Yeah. Why would I lie?"

        "I don't know. It just feels crazy to me that you just so happen to win on your first time in one of the first few instances of the lottery."

                       "Hmph. Just got lucky."

             "Lucky?"

                  "Yeah, man. I hope you get the same luck because once you get to witness and experience the magnitude and magic of The Cloud, you'll feel like a new man. I can't wait for more people to join in."

         "Babe, halftime is over," Rose shouted. "They're getting back on the field now!"

                             "Hey, I gotta go," I said. "Thanks for the uh...talk."

   "No problem, man," he said. "I really appreciated this conversation. See you around."

                   Lucky? Is that all he was? Just lucky? Is he being honest, or is he holding out on me? I don't know...I just wish some luck would run into me...

​

week II / sunday / may 27

​

            "Good catch, Reign," I proudly said. "You've really been improving on your catching and throwing. Hopefully you can transfer this into the next game. You'd be an unstoppable force."

                     "Thanks, dad," he said back. "But when can we stop? It feels like we've been doing this for hoursss."

       "It's only been 30 minutes. You wanna be the best player out there, right?"

               "Yeah, I do, but could we at least take a break. Even my coach says we have to breathe every now and then."

   "Ha, you know what? We can take a 5 minute one. Go grab our water bottles by the front door over there."

                        "Okay."

         "Thanks, bud."

                  "Hey, dad. Could you get me the new cleats? Some of my friends on the team have them and they look so cool. Plus, I think mine are starting to tear."

             "Uh, I don't know, Reign. I gotta figure some stuff out, so it's not a yes, but it's not a no either."

                            "Oh, okay. Is it because we're struggling with money?"

                     "Huh? Where did you hear that from?"

                "From you and mommy when you guys were talking in the kitchen the other night."

                       "...You weren't supposed to hear about that."

        "Are we gonna be homeless?"

    "What? No. We're going to be okay, son. I promise. Your mom and I work very hard to take care of each other and you, and we're going to do whatever it takes, as long as it's in ours, and yours, best interest."

              "I remember you saying that The Cloud is our way to the good life. Is that true?"

         "It is, but I don't want you to worry about that. Just be a kid, and let your mommy and daddy handle everything."

      "Well, how come The Cloud does what it does? Why is it here?"

                      "I don't think anyone knows why or how, but leave it to the government to turn it into a benefit for us, but don't think too deeply into it. Let's get back to practicing. I want the other teams to be scared when the ball is heading in your direction."

              That feeling traveling in my body doesn't feel good. The realization that my son is aware of my struggles. I know how that feels from first hand experience, and I'd be damned if Reign goes through the same thing I did.

​

wednesday / may 30

​

                          "Why is this line so damn long?" I said to myself, waiting in line for more lottery tickets at a gas station. It typically takes under 10 minutes for me to be in and out. I've been waiting for over 30 minutes and I haven't even gotten in the door. It shouldn't take this long to scan and swipe some tickets.

              A group of rebels stood outside the gas station, protesting against the lottery.

            "The lottery is evil!"

                     "Leave The Cloud alone!"

    "All that glitters isn't gold!"

These people are out here almost everyday saying the same old shit. They don't have anything else better to do?

           "Hmph, what's going on, man?" a familiar voice said behind me.

       I turned around and it's that same guy who was with Mike the other day. He kind of took me by surprise seeing him here.

                "Oh, hey, man," I responded. "I didn't know you were behind me."

    "Yeah. I kind of noticed you from behind so I figured I would just say hi. Hmph, that's kind of funny to me."

           "What is?"

                    "That guy right there. The third one from the left with the blue shirt on. I remember him. He used to practically live in this line. Now, he's one of those rebels. Too bad. He had real potential."

              "Hm. Curious...why are you in line? Didn't you say you already won?"

          "Yeah, I have. I'm just here to get some snacks and chit chat with some folks. Sometimes it's nice to walk around and see people like y'all."

                      "People like us?..."

               "Well, you know...average folk. People outside the village. It's nice sometimes to get out and explore, but I could ask you the same thing. I didn't think I would see you here. You seem like a guy who got it all together."

                          "Hmph. If only that was true..."

       "Well, what's going on?"

"Oh, it's uh...nothing crazy...nothing that really needs to be spilled over..."

               "Oh, you can tell me. I know you don't know me that well, but rest assured you that I am available to talk about anything. I don't think we know each other's names. My name is Charles. Charles Chaston."

          "Raven Roman."

                    "Well, Raven. Here's my number. Feel free to conversate with me about whatever. You could even get some advice on winning. I'm kidding, but no pressure, though."

                His phone started to ring.

        "Hey...what's going...what do you mean he's trying to le--...okay, okay, don't worry. I'll be back in a flash...okay bye. Hey, Raven, an emergency just came up, so I can't stick around, but good luck on the pickings. I'm really rooting for your success."

                       "Thanks, man. I really appreciate it."

            Charles walked away from the gas station, eventually fading away into the bricks and blocks of the city. Part of me feels sort of eerie about him, but part of me is intrigued, and I really don't know why. Maybe I should talk to him more. I know he said there's no strategy when it comes to winning, but maybe being around him more often might rub some luck off me.

I bought ten tickets, headed home, and knocked on some wood, slowly waiting for the lottery event to come back this week.

​

friday / june 1

​

              "Alright folks," the announcer said on the tv. "We're about to announce the new weekly winner. Get your tickets ready."

                     The nerves in my body are doing the sha bop doo whoop. Will tonight be the night? The night that all my problems go away?

         "Babe," Rose said. "Can you help me with this bottle?"

                             "In a sec, Rose," I responded. "They're about to reveal the new winner."

    "Ok, folks," the announcer said. "Good luck, and may The Cloud shine its golden rays on you. The numbers this week are...02...09...24...08...36...and the golden number is...78. This week's winner is...Rando Merlin. Congratulations to Rando! Go on ahead and get your blessing, sugar!"

                                       "Hmph. Oh my God," I groaned. "Come on, man!"

                 I quickly flicked the tickets on the table and swiftly walked outside onto the lawn. I reached into my jean pockets to smoke another cigarette, but I couldn't find any.

                         This just doesn't seem fair. How come I'm not the one whose name is blasted on everyone's T.V.? How come it feels like everyone else is luckier than me? Is there something wrong with me?

          "Raven," Rose said behind me, startling me. "You good?"

"I'm peachy, Rose," I sarcastically responded. "Everything's ice cream and candy."

                   Rose sat down next to me on the front lawn.

             "Look, Raven. We need to talk about this obsession."

       "Obsession?"

"Yeah. This whole cloud situation."

                                "What are you talking about? I'm not obsessed with it."

                        "Yeah, you kind of are. You've been trying to win this lottery thing for several months and it's affecting you in a way that's really starting to concern me."

         "Affect me how?"

                     "You started buying one or two tickets. Now you've been buying 5 or more and it's increasing with every trip to the gas station. It also feels like you're ignoring or neglecting us sometimes. Sometimes around the house, you mope and groan. I try to gain the courage to try and talk to you, but I always draw back."

"I'm fine, Rose. Trust me. You don't need to worry about me."

                 "Yes, I do, Raven. You're my husband of 9 years. Why wouldn't I be? I'm just worried that this cloud might be affecting your reality and family relationships. I admire how much you've put into this family. You've been doing the best that you can do, but I am here as well. I'm willing to put in the weight too because we are a team. We became one from the moment we got married. You don't have to carry this burden alone. This lottery cloud thing isn't worth it. You've been spending a lot of money on these tickets and they're starting to pile up on us. Please honey, for the sake of all of us, let this thing go."

                        "You don't understand Rose--"

             "Yes, I do. You want to be able to support not only our needs but our wants and desires. You're tired of struggling. What I need you to see is that The Cloud is bullshit. It's just an empty promise created by the government just to get you to spend more money. You have greater chances of getting a promotion than you would winning that. Hell, how do we even know the people who won really won?"

                    "I'm pretty sure they have, especially considering the fact that all the winners move to the Laus Amplexus Village, and you don't hear any complaints from over there."

                                     "Who knows what they do over there. They're probably some weirdos. You see how they get after they win. Look, babe. I feel like you're starting to act like your father."

          "What? What do you mean?"

                      "Remember when you used to tell me the stories of your father and how he used to act when he was in and out in the casino--"

                "Of course I do, but I don't really wanna talk about that."

            "But do you hear what I'm trying to say? I see you turning into your father and I feel like I need to stop you before it's too late. And you already know how my family is with money. That's why I kind of distanced myself from them. You would think being born into a pretty wealthy family would be good but not for me. Growing up, it was hard seeing them constantly argue and fight with each other. I knew as a kid that when I grew up, I would rather have a 'broke' but happy family than a rich one that's in constant money wars."

  "Rose, I'm not turning into my dad. We're not going to be like your family. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Don't worry. I'm not obsessed. You have nothing to fret about."

             I gave her a kiss on the top of her head, and walked back inside the house.

 

".........dad?" I said seeing him hunched over the bathroom sink, looking like a homeless man on the street.

"Raven, my strong lion," he stammered like a crackhead looking for another fix. "Come here."

He took me in, touching me sporadically.

"Are you okay, dad?"

"I'm fantastic, son. Never been better. Listen to me. I...have failed this family. I'm sorry I couldn't provide the life you both truly deserve, but things are about to change soon. I know life might get complicated for a while, but please listen to me when I say this. I love you, and nothing will ever change that. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Everything I have done and will do is for the betterment of this family. I want us to win. I want you to win. I want you to be able to take care of your future wife and kids. I want you... to live the golden life."

"Let's go, Raven," my mom interrupted, yanking my arm. "Roman, I'll be back in a few days after the divorce papers are finalized."

"Don't worry, Raven," my dad wept. "Everything will get better from here. The things we want in life are worth the trouble. Be the strong brave lion I've raised you to be."

​

Am I seriously turning into my father? Am I really going down the same path?

             After staring into the mirror of memories, I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and headed to the bed where my wife is already fast asleep.

       A low, rumbling sound fills the outside of the night sky. I looked outside from the window to see The Cloud glowing like fireflies, feeling like it's taking pleasure in taunting my misfortunes.

                    Listening closely, I can hear the winner's voice fill the hours of the night. Every week this happens, constantly reminding me of its presence. Sometimes, it's hard to make out their voice. I can't tell if they're having a thrill ride on a rollercoaster or if they're being stabbed by a serial killer.

         There have been so many nights where I would sit and stare at this entity for hours upon hours upon hours upon hours. I don't know why, but I can't help but look out my window and gaze at this gold and black puffy spectacle. I don't know specifically where it came from, and why it came here, but I do know its purpose and possibilities, and it's powerful. I'm also curious about people's first thoughts and questions when this thing came into their lives. I wonder how the government was able to not only "tame this beast" and have this system working, but was able to monetize off of it...

                        A glowing pair of golden eyes appear in the dark crack of the bedroom door behind me, startling me. I quickly turned around and the eyes vanished into the darkness.

             What the hell was that? Did an animal sneak into the house? Could it have been something...else?

      I slowly peeked around the dark, cold hallway from the door.

                 I saw nothing.

         I walked down the hallway a little and opened Reign's door. Seemingly sound asleep. No forced way of entry on either his door or window. I checked around his room.

Nothing.

                     I looked all around the house, but everything is still in place. Not a single thing looking either damaged or missing. Nothing else is here. Was I imagining things? Were the eyes real?

                          Trying to calm my nerves down, I went back into the bedroom and laid down in the bed.

         A series of heavy footsteps banged against my eardrums, creating a path out to the front door.

              I quickly sat back up, more concerned.

                   "Hmmmm, babe," Rose mumbled. "Are you okay?"

    "It's fine, Rose," I replied. "Just lay back down. I'll be right back."

Grabbing my bat, I sped walked outside to the front. I frantically scanned the dimly lit neighborhood, trying to spot anyone running around.

              I spot someone in a dark cloak running down the end of the street.

                         "Hey, you!" I shouted running after them. "Stop right there! What the hell were you doing in my house! Hey! Hey!"

            Quickly catching up to them, I put my hand on their shoulder and they turned around and they blew some golden dust into my eyes, causing me to lose sight and drop my bat. I tried to wipe it away but it feels like it's stuck on me like glue, eventually irritating my eyes. I stumble back some and step over the bat, making me trip and fall on my ass.

            I soon after began to feel dazed and dizzy, feeling like I just finished a spinning carnival ride. The cloaked figure soon began to walk slowly towards me. I tried to back away as much as I could.

     "Get back, man," I stumbled to say.

                     Soon after, 10 pairs of similar golden eyes emerged from all corners of the shadows, all in concealing black cloaks. All 11 of them walked towards me, forming a circle around me.

        They revealed their arms and extended their hands, trying to touch my head.

      My body feels icky and my mind is spinning in merry-go-rounds.

             I can feel their body temperatures sharing the aura of mine, covering me like a wet dirty blanket.

   I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. What are they trying to do to me?

         I spun around in a ghostly panic, constantly seeing the same darken figure with golden, intriguing eyes.

   I noticed one of the hands has a weird subtle version of a sun imprinted on their palm as they quickly connected to my forehead like a plug to an outlet.

 

 

                Vision transitioned to a sheet of snow. Sound began to muffle.

 

saturday / june 2

​

I quickly jumped up and was partially blinded by the sun's rays dancing around the bedroom. I realized I was in my bed.

                         What happened last night? Was that a dream? Was that real?

              I walked out the room and spotted Rose and Reign in the living room, finishing up on a puzzle together.

                  "Hey, honey," she said. "Are you okay?"

      "Uh, I think so," I responded. "Do you know what happened to me last night?"

    "Yeah, you told me to go back to bed. After some time, I heard you yell and I got up, concerned. I went outside and found you in the middle of the street knocked out it seemed. I had to drag you all the way back inside. Boy, were you heavy. Why were you on the ground? Did you get into a fight or something?"

                        "Uh, not really. I remember some figures around me and dust, I think, and...the sun...?"

         "The sun?"

               "I don't know. Things feel a little fuzzy, but I could've sworn someone was in our house, watching us."

     "Uh, okay...you sure you weren't drinking last night?"

                   "What? No...You think I just walked outside for GP?"

          "I don't know, babe. You've been acting funny lately, but we can discuss it later. Reign and I were about to start another puzzle. Care to join us?"

              "Yeah, dad," Reign said. "Come join us."

      "Hmph, yeah I will. Scooch on over."

So it seems last night was real. Who were those people...and why were they spotting for me?

​

week III / monday / june 4

​

My back has been killing me lately sitting at this damn desk for the past few hours. Seeing nothing but numbers on this screen is making eyes go cross eyed. Ever since the other night, my head has been pounding like a mad man. It's kind of difficult to really focus on my work.

                The back of my ear tingled as I started to hear some people in the breakroom, talking about the new lottery winner.

        "Yeah, he just moved into the village."

                       "He's about to live it up. I already know."

     "I bet he's glad he doesn't have to work this dead end job anymore."

              "I wonder what's the first expensive item he's going to buy."

    "Hope he comes back and tells us about his new life experience."

Hearing them talk about that guy makes my stomach turn. That should be me. Why isn't it me? Why is it never me?

                 I slammed my hand on the desk, causing a very loud noise to fill the air.

          "Hey, Raven," one of my coworkers said. "Are you okay?"

                    "Uh, yeah," I quickly responded. "I'm fine. I'm about to go on my break. See y'all in an hour."

       I typically take my lunch an hour or so later, but I just needed to get out of that space.

                I sat on a bench in a nearby park, trying to eat my sub sandwich, cheddar chips, and bottle of water, but I couldn't even enjoy my lunch, so I ended up just packing it back up.

           I slowly rubbed my hands down my face, let out a huge breath, and held my head up, staring at The Cloud. It feels like everytime I look at it, the more energy is being sapped from me.

                             "Hey, stranger," someone said to me.

                   I looked down and spotted Charles, standing oddly close to me.

            "Hey, man," I spoke back. "How have you been?"

                       "I've been doing amazing. May I sit down?"

     "Uh, yeah. Sure."

                "So, how have you been since we last met?"

"Um...I've been......doing fine."

           "Hm. Are you sure? You don't sound like it. Also, you don't look the best. No offense."

                     "No, you're right. I know I look like shit. I honestly feel like shit."

              "Well, what's going on? You can talk to me. I don't want to feel pushy or anything, but from the few interactions, it feels like you're masking away from your true feelings. I'm here for you, man. I don't want you to feel like you're fighting alone in this. I used to struggle extremely hard when it came to talking about my feelings. I had no one around and it took me a long time to find a way to express how I feel now. I hated that feeling and if I would love to help someone else, especially another man, so they can avoid suffering in silence."

".........Charles......am I...a bad guy?"

                                "What do you mean?"

                 "......For the past several months, I've been trying so hard to be in a better position, for my family to be in a better position. I've sacrificed so much for them. I've worked so hard at my job just to get us by, but a lot of the time it feels like everytime I take a step forward, something takes me four steps back. That cloud up there feels like my only ticket. I've put so much into trying to win, and I don't know what else to do. I know you said you were just lucky to win, but there's got to be something out here that you know could help me. I don't know if other people have asked the same from you, but if you do this one favor for me, I promise you I will forever be in debt to you. I will do anything."

           "You've been very interesting to me since our first conversation, and I can really feel your pain. I can tell you're a hard worker, but in a situation where you feel trapped. I can't precisely say a method that'll guarantee anything. There was this one guy who did this challenge to try to increase his chances."

                      "Tell me. What did he do?"

         "He lit his grass on fire in the shape of The Cloud, lit his hands on fire, and danced around the shape."

"What the hell? Why would he do something like that? He could've died."

                "Yeah, I don't know what made him think that'll work, but ironically, he won the lottery after that."

      "Really?"

                   "Mhm. I doubt that stunt affected the results. He did have to go to the hospital for a week."

            "That's crazy. I want to win so badly, but I don't know if I want to juggle with my life like that. The cons seem like it weighs more than the pros."

        "Yeah...It's crazy how a lot of people that I've met don't think like that. It reminds me of my mom. When it came to financial decisions, she didn't really flesh out the pros and cons. One time, she thought it was worth it if she bet her whole life savings during an underground horse racing match. She lost and didn't want to pay up. The people she owed got to her and...took her out. We couldn't even recover her body."

                      "Oh wow...I'm sorry to hear that, Charles."

               "Oh, don't be. I'm fine. I've fully accepted the situation. I just wish she would've put more thought into it.

"Your situation reminds me of my father. I wished he would've thought about things more before..."

       "Before what? What did he do, if you don't mind me asking?"

    "......When I was seven, I was visiting my dad at his place. He was acting weirder than usual that day. He would randomly start crying and mumbling things to himself. I wanted to ask questions, but I was too nervous to say anything. My mom was on her way to come get me. I vividly remember sitting on the front steps playing with a yo-yo. My dad walked out and kissed me on my forehead. I felt some of his tears melt on my forehead. He told me everything will be better now and he loved me. He handed me a letter, got in his car and......next thing there was a fire and an ambulance. After the funeral, my mom found another letter from him telling us to not weep about him and to take the money from his insurance policy and make something big of our lives. I didn't really understand the whole situation at the time, but things feel a tad bit clearer now. Sometimes, I want to spit on his grave. Sometimes, I wish I could hug him and let him know that he did his best. My wife thinks that I'm gonna turn into him if I keep trying to win, but I'm going about it in a totally different way. I'm not like him, and I never will be. I love her to death, but it hurts to hear her talk to me like that. She makes me feel like a terrible person, even though I'm trying to look out for her and our child. Am I really wrong for that?"

                   "Of course not, and don't worry. You're going to be okay. You know how many people I've talked to who have done the craziest things to make it in life? I literally just told you about a guy who lit himself on fire. You know what you guys have in common? All of you want to taste that sweet American dream, and there's nothing y'all won't do in order to claim it. Nothing's wrong with that. So, no. You're not a bad person. You're determined, so keep doing what you're doing, and that life you're owed, will come to you faster than you know it."

​

*beep beep* *beep beep*

​

            I looked down and noticed my alarm on my watch was going off.

       "Oh shit," I said. "My lunch is almost up. Hey, I have to get back to work, but thanks for the talk."

               "No problem, Raven," he said. "I really like talking to you."

     "I do too. It feels nice to talk to someone who understands you."

                     "It always does. See you around. Feel free to talk to me anytime. I'm always here."

​

friday / june 8

​

                    I really appreciated that conversation I had with Charles the other day. He reassured me that I was doing the right thing. I know Rose thinks it's trouble, and I know she loves and cares for me, but I think that reward is greater than the headache. I don't think she truly understands the situation at hand. This magical cloud has come into our lives for a reason. I feel like I'm so close to winning, I can practically eat and digest it. I can already imagine it.

               I watch the lottery event tonight. The t.v. announcer says the winning numbers and my lovely name gets displayed shiny and large across the screen. I jump up and down in pure excitement, and Rose will say, "Oh, Raven! I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. We finally did it!" She'll join in jumping with me and then Reign will say,"We did it, dad! We don't have to worry about money anymore!" He'll join in too and we'll all skip and hop down the golden brick road to riches and tranquility.

   I pulled up to my house with twenty tickets in hand, clinching them to me tighter than a corset to a body. It might seem excessive, but yet it feels so necessary. I'm really feeling the energy. Today has to be my day. It just has to.

                     "Okay, peoples," the t.v. announcer said. "Get them tickets lined up. The numbers are about to roll in. Sending luck to all participants. The numbers are...24...25...78...74...47...and the golden number is...07! Our week's winner is......Kenoshi Renslayer! Congrats sis. Go receive that cloud's magic."

           I lost...again. Again? Why? I just don't understand why. What is keeping me from winning?

                "While we celebrate our new winner, Kenoshi, let's laugh at all the losers out there, especially Raven Roman. He's attempted so many times, yet he keeps losing. Poor baby. Better luck next time, you fucking failure."

   Sounds of laughter jumped out the t.v. and poured in the living room, increasing in volume with every 'ha' escaping her lips.

Ha                           Ha   Ha              Ha          Ha              Ha                             Ha        Ha

                   Ha Ha                     Ha            Ha                Ha          Ha    Ha                  Ha

          Ha                         Ha            Ha    Ha            Ha           Ha                 Ha                       Ha

                       "GOD DAMMIT!!!" I yell, punching the wall, creating a hole.

       "Raven...," Rose softly spoke behind me. I turned around and saw her standing at the front door with Reign.

                "Reign, go to your room and close your door. I need to speak to your father really quickly and then we can play your new video game."

           Reign ran to his room and shut the door.

   "What the hell is wrong with you?" she quietly snapped at me. "Have you gone mad?"

              "Rose," I said. "Let me explain--"

"Explain what? The fact that you're over here damaging the walls because you're chasing some fucking fantasy when you're completely aware that the chances are slim to none. Raven, I've been trying so hard to understand you, but it's wearing me thin. Every week, I have to see and hear you grunt and groan and moan about this stupid cloud and how miserable you are. You're OBSESSED! Do you even know how much money you've been spending on tickets? Hundreds. That money could've been spent on our late payments or fixing something around the house. I've been patient throughout this whole time, but it's draining and I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you left me with no other choice. Either you give up this unrealistic 'dream' of yours...or you're going to have to chase this dream by yourself."

             "Rose......you can't be serious right now. I'm so close to making it and you're giving me this ultimatum? I'm doing this for you guys!"

                   "I don't think I believe that anymore. It more so feels like you're doing this to look good in front of others. Raven, I don't like fighting about this, and I definitely don't like Reign being around this. If you care about us the way you claim you are, then please...please listen to me and let this go. Your family is more important than that cloud. We're going to be okay. We don't need some entity for us to win. We already have. Stop focusing on this cloud and be here in these finite moments with us."

         ".....................alright, Rose. Fine. I'll let it go."

                      "You promise? I don't want you to just tell me what I want to hear."

   "No. I'm serious. I don't want you or Reign to feel anything other than happiness. You guys are my whole world. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I lost y'all. I remember that pain I felt when my parents split up, and I left with her, seeing my dad stare at us like his heart was stolen. I don't want to put you guys in that situation. I'll let it go, and focus more on us."

              "Thank you. Trust me, Raven. It's for the best of all of us."

       I know that I should feel confident in what I just said, but I can't help but feel this sickening pain in my stomach. Yes, I would hate to give up on my goal when it feels closer to me than ever before, but I hate disappointing my family. I love them, and I love the life that brings the best out of them. Why am I so conflicted? Why do I feel pulled from different sides? I just wish I can have both merge together in happy matrimony...

​

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